where i work, we’re largely funded by government funding in order to help the most impoverished people in the community where we’re located gain income through employment, housing, and learn how to be self-sufficient. as SOON as the election was over in november, we started hearing rumblings that some of the primary sources of our funding would soon be drastically reduced, or going away, due to the change in Washington. we don’t really wish to be funded by the government – as a matter of fact, 1/2 the reason i was hired was to look for alternate forms of revenue and funding so we could decrease our reliance on government funds while still working to meet our mission.

i’m a dave ramsey fan. i TOTALLY get and understand that we need to cut funding. i really do. for decades it’s just been out of control. what bothers me is that our representatives in washington seem to want to cut spending for the people who need help the most, and beef up spending for things like the military. in my opinion, this is completely bass-ackwards.

a friend of a friend referenced this article in a blog post, and i think i read it with my jaw dropped. it bothers me that “believers” prioritize things the way washington does, too. “cut it, as long as it doesn’t affect me and i can feel safe.”

i really am concerned about how we prioritize things. it seems like the rich just get richer and the poor just keep getting trampled on. and the people who are trying to help them, my coworkers for instance, make far less than they’re worth b/c they believe so much in helping those who need help. and the reality is, with the need as great as it is, there’s a good chance that 6-12 months from now some of us may not have jobs. which means we can help less people.

i AM curious how many people in washington who are making these decisions have volunteered to take a pay cut, or to cut their expense accounts, or to drive cheaper cars, or to cut an assistant or 2. they’ll rip it from the poor as long as they feel safe and can keep what’s “theirs”. it’s sad.

i’m a round peg. this place is a square hole. and already i’ve been feeling my edges getting shaved off. i’m not the same person i was 18 months ago. in some ways, this is ok. i’m far more compassionate, gracious, and understanding then i used to be. in some areas. i also feel like i’m not as silly, happy, cheery, crazy, and fun as i used to be. when i’m around the right people, that part of me comes back out. but for 40-45 hours a week i’m in an environment that doesn’t let that part of me out, so the edges have been shaved off.

they say you become like the 5 people you hang around the most. i learned this 10 years ago when i was a Mary Kay consultant. i believe this to be true, and i’ve seen it and experienced it. so what happens when the 5 people you hang around the most aren’t the kind of people who allow you and stretch you to be the best YOU you can be? what happens when you’re having to change who you believe, at your core, you were created to be in order to somehow try to fit?

i used to be one of those people who felt like i had nothing to offer. that i was kind of a “whoops” on the assembly line when God was making people. i don’t feel like that nearly as often. i now know and recognize what my strengths are (insert plug for Marcus Buckingham books here). and it helps me better understand why i’ve loved some jobs better than this one, and why this one is so incredibly frustrating for me. i’ve tried numerous times to “reframe” what i’m doing to try to understand it better to no avail. i’m a round peg that’s being shoved into a square hole. i feel like, in some ways, i’ve just lost myself.

so i’m praying, with a measure of intensity, for an opportunity to find myself again. to be in an environment with people who allow me to be my best self, where i can be who i believe God created me to be, and the icing on the cake might be that i can have fun and call my peers friends. this place exists out there somewhere. i believe it to be true, and i’m praying for God to provide the opportunity for this to become reality.

(and sheesh if i didn’t have to spend an hour on the road each way to make it happen, then that would be like the buttercream flower on the icing on the cake. am i just asking too much now? )

that would be one reason why seeing a homeless woman wrecks me more than men.

but the man i’ve met who has left an indelible impression i met last july. while i was at my sister-in-law’s house on the fourth of july my poor little car was the victim of a hit-and-run, most likely from some jackass who had had too much to drink by 3pm. (you celebrate your independence, mister. see you in rehab.) a couple of weeks later i was getting out of my car at work when an older african-american man approached me, having noticed my dinged up rear left fender.

he proceeded to tell me how i could “fix” my car myself, mentioning words like “epoxy” and other rubbish that i didn’t understand. i half wanted to tell him, “um, if you half knew me you’d know that you’re wasting your breath right about now”. but i listened, b/c i’m not rude like that. afterwards he asked if i had any money so he could catch a bus to an appointment in cincinnati. we’ve been told not to give money out – something about it going around the homeless/low-income community like wildfire that you can go to “this place” and “that lady” will give you money.

i looked in my car and had literally one nickel in my change thing. i know better than to whip my wallet out, and flash my 7 $1 bills. ha i gave him the nickel, and then he kept on talking.

this man was definitely suffering from PTSD as a vietnam vet. as many of them do he was just chattering on and on about his war experience – jumping out of planes, seeing friends literally blown into pieces and seeing their arms lying feet away from their bodies, losing his best friends in the field, them not understanding why they were over there and STILL not understanding it, etc. i just stood there, stunned, listening to the atrocities that this man experienced, and being even more flabbergasted that he had done all of this for his country, but that yet…

he was homeless.

as i started to ask around more, i learned that this isn’t all that unusual. there are a lot of homeless vets in america. a lot of vets suffer from PTSD or some other mental issues deriving from their time spent in the armed services, and so many of them aren’t able to keep jobs b/c of these issues. some of them turn to drugs to deal with the anxiety and the mental images they can’t forget.

and we, as a country, allow them to be homeless.

i’m just going to state my opinion on a couple of things, and just put it out there:

1. i don’t like the idea of war, and when the affects of a pointless war are standing in front of me talking to me, i like it even less.

2. by golly if as a political system we’re going to enter into war and ask people to fight for our freedom, shouldn’t it also be a given that we make sure they’re taken care of for the rest of their lives? at least have a roof over their head, food in their bellies, and a little to live on?

i know a lot of people complain about paying taxes. but i drive on paved roads and live between a cop and a firefighter, and i have freedom today b/c people like this man helped protect that. i think it’s a travesty that this is even an issue.

today, i’m missing my starbucks people. specifically, my tylersville store people, and my manager friends. a lot has happened in the past few months that’s given me a glimpse into who i am and what i love and who/what makes me better. while the job i have right now allows me to do good things for people in need, it’s not my calling. it’s not my passion. the things i know to be true about myself are completely unused, and things are required of me that are just not natural to how God made me.

i had this stunning revelation a couple weeks ago that i had no true friends at work. no one that i would WANT to hang out with after work if it wasn’t work related. no one who i felt “got” me. no one who likes the same things i do. and so on. and as extroverted as i am, and as much as i THRIVE and get ENERGY from being around people who i can connect with on some level, not having that has completely drained me. i truly feel like i’ve lost some zest, b/c i feel it come back when i’m around certain people.

in contrast, at my previous employer, something was different. i had friends, and lots of them. i had several people i wanted to, and DID, hang out with outside of work, without it being work-related. i had more people who i WANTED to hang out with but couldn’t b/c i was their boss. (oh corporate policies. haha) but i love them. a lot. they got me, we laughed together, we razzed each other, we talked about pop culture, we pulled pranks on each other, we got hyped up on caffeine.

there’s something to be said for being able to have friends at work. this revelation kind of came out of nowhere – probably something someone i trust said that just became an “aha moment”. it can make ALL the difference in the world when it comes to going in on those days you just don’t want to. for getting through rough patches with friends and family and celebrating. for understanding why your job can be so amazingly frustrating but for some reason you love it enough to stick around even when it’s hard.

and gosh, as insane as they can be, i miss helping people. yes, i miss customers. and i miss investing in coworkers regularly. i spend 7-8hrs/day behind a desk. i’m naturally an idealist and a developer. i love seeing progress in people, potential in people – believing in people when they don’t believe in themselves yet and helping them see what they’re capable of. when i’m able to do that, i THRIVE. i breathe. i come home feeling a good tired. i get frustrated, but the reward is what fuels me.

at some point in life, you think you should know who you are by now. sometimes i think you need experiences to help you learn this. i’m thankful for where i’ve been and how my perspective has changed regarding people in need. i’m glad i’m more conscientious now, more compassionate, more understanding. i’ve learned a lot but if that is all i gained it would be worth it.

but i know who i am, and who God made me to be, and i hope to find a way to live fully in that way, to grow more, and to help others grow. this has been my prayer over the past couple of weeks, and i’m excited to see where God takes me.

_______

Rusty, Angel, CAF, Debbie, LL, Kelly, Charly, George, Jess, Cherie, Nicole, Margaret, Mel, Kevin, Matthew, Marta, ARSe, Becky, Morgan, Sherley, Court, Stacey, Chris, Judy, Beks, Mary, and many others – thank you for being an important part of my life. you’ve made a lasting difference.

a little over a year ago my husband got a call with a job offer in a different state.  we had prayed for red flags, for God to be clear as to whether he should take it.  we saw no red flags, and although we hadn’t heard a “GO” from God we also hadn’t heard anything to the contrary, so we looked at the picture of what it could mean financially and career-wise for our family, and the rest of the picture, and said “yes”.

fast forward 1 year.  he’s still working for that job (for now) but we never moved.  we stayed put.  for numerous reasons which i hope to have the opportunity to share with you here.  have you ever had one of those times in your life that, although brief, was so life-altering that you’re shocked that it had such an impact?  how can one decision, one “yes”, one move change your life so much that a year later you look back and wonder “what in the world?  why the hell did we just go through all of that?”

i believe God teaches us things through the most random of places.  usually not where we expect it.  i don’t hear from God so much sitting in church, or reading the Bible, or praying, as much as i do in the words of a stranger or coworker, the subtleness of a TV show or book or website, a friend or community member, etc.  i think God wants to communicate with us, and in those “typical” religious settings i tend to not hear him.  old baggage  i’m sure.  so when God DOES speak through a prayer, or a church service, or the Bible, i definitely take notice, because for me it’s a rarity to feel like i hear from him at all.

so it’s april 2010.  i sometimes wish the past year hadn’t happened at all.  i think already i’ve blocked a lot of it out.  but rather than forget the struggles, the tears, the frustration, the joys, the sorrows, the utter-confusion, the questioning, and the panic of what has been this past year, i’d rather try to record some of what’s happened, so i can think through, communicate, and preserve the lessons i’m learning.

thanks for reading along, and please let me know what you’re learning, too.

Freedom: dependence, arduousness, fearlessness

I’ve learned some things. And I have written/blogged in awhile. But my brain is moving, so here it is. And because I like being challenged and hearing peoples’ thoughts, I’m sharing this with you.

2 Cor 3:17 – “where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom”. Note that it DOESN’T say “where the spirit of the Lord is there is…

religion
morality
perfection
right and wrong
everyone toeing the line
condemnation
goodie two-shoes
republicans
democrats

but FREEDOM.

I choose to live in freedom and not fear. I don’t pretend to think that this will be easy, or that people will understand. But I don’t choose to live my life based on the expectations of people who live in fear of being struck down or losing their ticket into heaven. I choose to live my life in the freedom given me by Jesus’ life on this earth. I don’t pretend to think that this looks the same for every person. I don’t think that you have to believe what I believe to experience the freedom I experience. I believe we put God in a box way too often with what WE think he wants.

Do we REALLY understand what freedom is? That freedom can mean walking boldly in a gray area? That by definition it actually DOESN’T mean subscribing to a particular set of rules set up by a particular person or group of people (read: not Jesus)? I have never felt so imprisoned as I did when I walked in religion and rules and not in the freedom that Christ actually came to bring.

This past Sunday’s message was perhaps one of the most challenging and needed messages I’ve heard in a long time. If you’ve grown up in a church, or even if you haven’t, there’s a fresh, freeing thought process here. I’ve been realizing that I’m imprisoned by my fear of what other people think of me and the decisions I make or don’t make, especially if my viewpoints are different than theirs. I want to be free from that bondage. I’m VERY curious to see what life would be like on the other side of that!

John 10:10 says he came so that we can have life to the full.

I could write a lot more, but instead, I’m encouraging you to take 34 minutes of your life and watch this video. (I know, that means asking you to sacrifice a sitcom, but it’s worth it. ) When you finish (b/c if you don’t you’re missing a lot), I’m interested to hear your thoughts. Let’s have some good dialogue. What does freedom in Christ mean to you? (And I’m going to challenge you to say something more than the typical “good Christian” response. ) Perhaps one of you will help free someone else, or start them on a journey to a greater understanding of freedom.

http://www.crossroads.net/downloads/playVideo.php&idMedia=887

This was done during a series on the context of what we do and why we do it.

the world is going soft and we are not going with it

we’re going the way of God, no matter which way the rest of the world is going

we’re not the church of tomorrow, we’re the church of today

we are growing, we are moving forward

we are not going back to ritual or tradition

we are about the Bible, it isn’t negotiable or for the faint of heart-

it’s a revolutionary message that changes lives

we’re going to receive truth, speak truth, act on truth

whether it’s in line with popular opinion or not

we are equal opportunity offenders

we aren’t satisfied with mediocrity

God has given us his best, and we give him ours

we are doing life together – we are real no matter how messy it gets

some people hide their dirty laundry – we air ours

because being real brings freedom

we’re not just bothered by poverty, injustice, and oppression – we HATE them

we are not satisfied with the way things are, so we’re changing them

we’re bucking the system that is built to smash people like bugs on a windshield

our system is Love

we’re into coffee – 350 gallons a week – and it isn’t for sale.  nothing is

we give freely and we receive freely

we’re for freedom and we’re against religion

we ARE going to change the world

we’re not about fat savings accounts; we put our money where our mouth is

we spend every dime on blessing communities, building into families, and breaking the bondage of poverty

we’re not taking ourselves too seriously – we still laugh at the same jokes we thought were funny in junior high

we are movie goers, sports fan, and music lovers.  we think God is too.  we don’t check our culture at the door.

we’re doing everything short of sin to communicate, provoke, and connect you to the message of Jesus

we’re convinced that the Jesus you follow can tell the world exactly where you stand

and we don’t walk toward the dying – we RUN.

Downloads can be found at www.crossroads.net, click “Downloads”.  You can also subscribe to the free podcast on iTunes.

i’ve wondered since i was a kid why some words were “bad” and some weren’t.  take “shit” for instance.  who decided “shit” would be the “bad word”, and “shoot” would be okay?  and why in the world do i have to adhere to that?  a word is a word.  just because you say it doesn’t make it bad.  i can tell someone “you’re the shit!” and that’s quite a compliment.  if i say “you look like shit”, well, that’s not.  it’s quite often about context.  either way, i’ve always wondered how words become “bad” or “good”, and who gets to decide that.

another word that is often used incorrectly or out of context is the word “vulgar”.  this was brought to my mind upon reading an article that a friend posted on twitter called “vulgar christianity”.  the article itself is very interesting, as well as the comments.

take a read…

http://armstrongcircus.com/blog/826/